A "good" Christian or a desperate Christian...?

There was a time in my life when I would have described myself as a "good Christian." I went to church regularly, sang in the choir, attended Bible Study. Almost every time the church doors were open, I was there, as were my children. I even became a Sunday School teacher...a true step up the ladder to success and value.

Unfortunately, church life became like a drug that put me on a high and made me feel good when I was doing good deeds. When I was not "working" I felt insignificant, empty and worthless. It was mostly all about me and I did those things that made me feel good. I wanted to be needed. I was working hard to be accepted, by God and by other Christians.

However, if there is such a thing as a "good" Christian, there must be such a thing as a "bad" Christian. And a "bad Christian" sounds like a dichotomy.

What does it mean to be a "good" Christian, anyway? To me it meant "the things I did." It had much to do with the value others placed on me, and their confidence that I could do a good job and the resulting praise. I had become a valuable member of the "religious organization." Of course I had become a Christian, but I defined being a Christian by service and mostly within the walls of the church.

By the way, if you want to read a stirring and potent book, go to Walmart and purchase the novel, So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. I can pretty well promise you that the contrast presented of the institutional church and relationship with God, will be thought-provoking and I warn you that it may even be life-changing.

The longer I have been a Christian, I find my mind and my perspective being transformed (Romans 12:2). Rather than thinking about how I can be a "good" Christian or a good person, I seek to better know God, who alone is good (Matthew 19:17), and to serve Him obediently. But most of all, my focus in on character. In the hidden places of my life, I want truth, honesty, transparency, purity and passion for God. If those things are worked into my heart, I know that what comes out of my life will look more like Him.

And yet, what I find inside is mostly desperation. No matter how much I grow, I still fail. No matter how much I seek God, I still have large pockets of worldliness in my heart and I find too many times that I trust in my own human reasoning and judge issues or people according to Western cultural worldly standards. Worldly perspective still seeks to invade my thoughts, wanting to control my belief system.

It seems that the closer I come to the Lord, know His character and see Him as He truly is, the more I see myself for what I really am, and the more I need His amazing grace. I identify with the prophet Isaiah, "Woe is me, for I am undone. Because I am a (woman) of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts" (Isaiah 6:5).

A friend shared with me recently that our lives are always full of tension - not like tension headaches or strife in our relationships. But tension, defined be Webster as being stretched or strained as different degrees of tension in chords give different sounds; the greater the tension, the more acute the sound. It is like the tension on a piano string or a guitar string that when stretched has no slack in it. The picture I see is that of a rubber band that is not limp, but is stretched. My life feels stretched with that kind of tension. There is tension between my hunger and thirst for God and that which keeps pulling me back to the world's ways. There is tension between my wanting to be right and wanting to live by grace...wanting to do good works and at the same time live by grace through faith. There is tension between where I am spiritually and where I want to be...and thinking I should, at my more mature age, see significant progress in the perfection process.

My friend says the tension is a good thing, and a gift of God's grace. Without that tension, we would not be desperate for God. If we became all we wanted to be and all we believe God wanted us to be, we would most likely take control of our lives and slide rapidly back into independence, not relying on and seeking Him.

At the same time, we cannot make ourselves perfect. We can only help the process by relying totally on God and crying out with a heart of desire for His Kingdom to come into us and His will to be done in our lives.

And there is that question that comes back to me often, "Lord how can someone like me who is no further along in my spiritual walk, go to other nations and teach people about You? All I know is that I am in desperate need of You. I can do nothing apart from You, and You alone can bring about holiness and value in my life. Why did you choose me? Why didn't you choose someone who was more capable?" Ahhh....back to worldly thinking...that what I have or have not accomplished is more important and valuable to God than my heart for Him and my availability. Even my availability is completely dependent on Him, because without Him, I have nothing to say. I cannot teach; I have no anointing; I have nothing of eternal value to impart apart from Him and a divine move of His Spirit.

In the quiet after my question, the answer is there..."That IS the message, My child! Call the world, and especially my children, to live in desperate dependence on their Father and Creator."

What the church calls "original sin" is actually living independently of God, who created us to be dependent on and in relationship with Him. It was the first man and woman who decided they could know what is good and what is evil. They decided they didn't need to depend on God; they could know righteousness on their own. Another friend said, "We can be independently desperate or desperately dependent!" What does your heart want?

The older I get, the more the desperation grows inside of me. It is not about my being "good" or an accomplished church-goer, teacher, minister. It is not about my being known or seen by man. I simply want to be so focused on Him that His consuming presence draws me beyond the things of the world. When I depend on Him, the things of the world are tasteless and pale in comparison to His glory. Anything "good" in my life is only good because God put it there and purified it so that it would look like Him, and not like me or like the world.

Are you desperate? What are you desperate for? If you are desperate for more of God, you are in a good place. He says He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). If you are like me, it is my desperate need and love for Him that causes me to seek. May you grow today in your desperateness and may He deliver you from any drive to be a "good" Christian. May you rest in His hands and near His heart.